My little snippet from somewhere between one and fifty-four of my story. (Takes place in the future!)
“It’s not my fault… What happened, it’s not my fault,” I whispered, closing my eyes to escape back to the forbidden, distant past. “They found me in a shed Levey. I was pronounced dead. Lev, I died. They didn’t tell you that, did they? And as if that’s not traumatic enough, it turns out I was murdered. Remember those protection drills they pounded and pounded into us? All I remember is someone using those drills, fighting to live. But not me… Somehow, not me.”
I take in a deep breath, flick my lids open, keep my head down. “And…I would’ve come back for you anyway, Levey. So don’t automatically hate and blame them for making me discover you’re hiding place, show it to them. They would have found us, somewhere in one of our pathetic attempts at a Safety Hole. We didn’t know how advanced they were. And yes… All they did was ask. I brought them, when all they did was ask. But know that, either way, they were working me like a remote control… Remember those little kid toys? Dolls? Like a wired and absolutely, easily controlled doll. I was at their command with the flick of a finger, only because they were allowing me to do something I’d been planning on doing. Uncovering you. Although I had a rescue in mind, but like I said… They had an impossible, unbelievable influence over me. They did.” A solid, confirming swish of my head takes place, releasing the thawed chunks of memory from their grasp in my mind, and I practically feel them float back, right within reach, without nudging on my consciousness.
Woah… thats really good! If your story gets published, I’d definately read it.
Report Spam/Abuse
dat is amazing, your a very good writer keep it up
Report Spam/Abuse
Omg that is amazing i love your style of writing, you must be pretty clever to write that. Real good luck with the rest of the story i really wanna read some more!
Report Spam/Abuse
It’s nice
Report Spam/Abuse
You have to be careful about changes in tense. Past tense and present tense are not the same and they are never interchangeable within the same setting or time frame. You seem to be switching between the two.
“I whispered” is past tense. All the action has already happened.
“I take a deep breath” is present tense. The action is happening now. Either change the first phrase to “I whisper” to keep everything in the present, or change the second to “I took a deep breath”, to relay it back into the past.
“… swish of my head takes place…” is again present tense. You need to make a decision about the position of your narrator in regards to when this action is unfolding.
Report Spam/Abuse